“She used to be so adventurous and confident… I just don’t know what happened.”
Recently, I was on a call with a parent who confided in me that she was worried about her 11-year-old’s self-esteem.
Where her daughter used to jump at the chance to try something new or make a new friend, she was now quiet and cautious.
Tween-hood has always been a time of huge change (and hormonal turmoil!), but adding social media, influencers, and face-tuning apps into the mix can have a big impact on their self-image.
Our self-image reflects how we see ourselves—and how we believe others see us. Kids who have a poor self-image are often more anxious and depressed, and less willing to socialize, participate in class, or join in extracurricular activities.
Kids with healthy self-esteem are happier, more confident, more resilient, and have more rewarding relationships. As they tend to worry less about what others think of them, they’re more likely to engage with the world around them, giving them more opportunities to connect, learn, and grow as future leaders.
Help your tween or teen build a positive self-image
1. Pay attention to how they talk about themselves
Tweens and teens can set unrealistic standards for themselves based on what other kids or even influencers are doing. If they don’t meet those expectations, they can see it as a sign of their worth as a person, rather than an opportunity to reflect and learn. (This is a mistake many adults make as well!)
Karina Martinez, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells parents to keep a close watch on how their kids talk about themselves, how they describe what they “should” be doing, and how they react to failure. “By reminding your teens to be flexible and helping them to reframe mistakes as learned experiences, you can help your teen develop a more positive self-image,” she says.
2. Praise the process, not just the results
When kids are praised for their results alone, they may wind up feeling that they’re only worthwhile when they get the A+ or score the winning goal—and if they receive a B, their self-image can take a hit.
When you take the time to recognize their effort, no matter the outcome, this shows them that their hard work is noticed and valued. When your child isn’t afraid of failure, they’re more likely to try new things, put themselves out there, and take creative risks, helping them build resilience and confidence!
3. Encourage critical thinking about social media
When all you see on your feed are other people’s wins and filtered pictures, it’s very easy to fall into the comparison trap—even for adults! Kids who approach social media with a critical eye are less likely to feel bad about themselves when their reality doesn’t match up with their peers’ highlight reels.
Remind them that a person’s social media is just a heavily curated corner of their bigger picture. Ask them whether their friends’ profiles tell their whole story or just what they want others to see. Talk to them about facetuning apps and the unrealistic beauty standards they uphold. Ask them how social media makes them feel—and then explore why.
4. Model a healthy self-image with intention
One of the best ways to help your tween develop a positive self-image is to demonstrate your own.
When I make a mistake in front of my kids, I’m careful not to put myself down. Instead, I might talk about what I’ve learned from the experience or what I’ll do differently in the future.
Instead of comparing myself to others, I reflect on what I want for myself and what I can do to achieve it. I try to accept my own imperfections with grace and self-compassion—a journey that I’ve spoken about on Raising the Next Gen!
These small, consistent choices remind them that our self-worth is not determined by our mistakes, and that we’re able to grow and change as we overcome life’s obstacles.
Want to help your child build body-confidence, self-esteem, and social connections with friends, family, classmates, and beyond? I am currently working with the Toronto-based non-profit Girl.Strong. to offer The Power Within, a 6-week series of in-person workshops for girls and gender diverse youths aged 10-14. The program runs Nov-Dec 2025, and enrolment is now open!
Click HERE to learn more and to register. Space is limited.
Thanks to the support of Plan Canada, Women and Gender Equality Canada, and Unilever’s Dove Self-Esteem Project, there’s no direct cost to parents.
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