I once believed deeply that Tiger Parenting was the right path for me and my family.
As an expectant parent and Asian woman, I was inspired by the Tiger Mom philosophy made famous by Amy Chua in her bestselling and controversial book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which detailed Chua’s parenting journey raising her two daughters.
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother sparked an uproar around the world when it first hit the shelves in 2011. The book explores the differences between Western and Eastern parenting styles, and favours an approach that emphasises cultivating strong work habits and skills over nurturing a child’s individuality.
While Chua credited her daughters’ academic success to her unbending parenting approach, readers and parenting experts alike debated the strict parenting choices Chua described, which included banning TV, play dates, sleepovers, and computer games.
You may wonder why I was drawn to an approach that is so wildly different from the parenting style that I practice today, 14 years later.
Following in my parents’ footsteps
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was published when I was pregnant with my first daughter. As I entered my third trimester, I had the opportunity to attend a lecture by Amy Chua in Toronto.
As a high-achieving, second-generation Chinese-American woman who was both a bestselling author and a professor at Yale Law School, she was an inspirational figure to me.
The parenting style she described in her book mirrored how I was raised, not just by my parents but within a culture that strongly emphasized academic excellence, strict rules, and a clear path to a “successful” life.
Before I had my kids, I had a clear vision of how my parenting journey would look. I imagined a productive maternity leave, disciplined and accomplished kids, perfect test scores, and, eventually, celebrating early acceptances to top schools.
I would soon discover that my path wouldn’t be that clear-cut or simple.
Letting go of perfectionism and embracing growth
Like most parents, becoming a mom completely unraveled many of the once-strong beliefs I’d held. While Tiger Parenting felt familiar, it became increasingly clear to me that it wasn’t sustainable.
Due to the culture I was raised in, I thought needing help was a sign of weakness. I thought making mistakes was a sign that I was a bad mother. I saw things through a narrow, black-and-white lens that didn’t leave any space for me — or my kids — to experiment, learn, and grow.
As the years went by, I could see the way that these beliefs and my inflexibility were affecting me, my children, and my relationship with my husband in unhealthy ways.
I began to reconsider my beliefs and approach parenting in a completely different way, one less focused on external validation.
Once I allowed myself to begin questioning the Tiger Mom philosophy, its drawbacks sharpened into focus. I realized that fitting in isn’t the same as belonging, achievement isn’t the same as thriving, and following your child’s lead doesn’t mean losing control.
I learned that the emotional weight of perfectionism is too heavy to be carried for long. The constant pressure to succeed can be a huge source of stress (no matter what age you are), and not meeting these expectations can hurt kids’ self-esteem.
I learned that I’m not a “bad mom” because my baby has trouble sleeping at night, and I don’t need to punish myself by depriving myself of sleep, too. I deserve to take care of myself and catch naps where I can.
I learned that mistakes are not only okay, they’re necessary, as children need to stumble in order to learn. My job as a parent is not to punish failure, but to support my daughters to do their best and never stop growing.
Choosing a parenting path that fits your family
Breaking generational cycles isn’t quick or easy — far from it. Even today, I still find myself questioning the expectations that I set for myself and others. Raising my daughters has forced me to reexamine everything I thought I knew, but this uncertainty gave me the freedom to choose my own path, one deeply rooted in gratitude, flexibility, intentionality, growth, joy, and compassion. While I still struggle at times with many of my old patterns and habits, I don’t punish myself — like everyone else in the world, I am a work in progress.
I no longer consider myself a Tiger Mom. And if the parenting label you’ve chosen for yourself isn’t a fit, I give you permission to break free, too. You don’t have to parent the way that you were parented, or the way that one expert or another tells you to. You get to choose an approach that works for you and your unique family.
To hear my full story of letting go of the Tiger Mom label and choosing a healthier path for my family, listen to Raising The Next Gen Podcast E6: Breaking Free From the Tiger Mom Mold. You can learn more about my journey from perfectionism to gratitude in Chapter 18 of Mamas Gotta Grow.
Did you like this episode? Remember to review, subscribe, share and follow us on Instagram @raisingthenextgenpod
Sign up for my weekly newsletter for more parenting tips, reflections, and podcast roundups.
Leave a Reply